Tucker max speed dating story


tucker max speed dating story-32

: Whenever When you are available Hey, we’re on my schedule here, Date Boy When your heart stops As soon as I finish gnawing off my left leg When I get over my herpes and pink eye After I suck off a Great Dane How about never? “This is my sandbox, but I’m not allowed to go in the deep end.” How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness? ” How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence? That’s unpossible.” How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability? : smile drool start jumping up and down yelling “UH, UH, UH” pretend you’re not Tucker Max feign epilepsy vomit uncontrollably curse the anonymity of the Internet run like a track star run like a crack fiend “I can’t breathe good and it’s making me sleepy.” What will my friends say when they see you? I wish I was him.” “Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem–he’s getting laid tonight.” “She’s the hottest thing since nuclear fusion.” “Tonight’s forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate humping.” “My Lord–she smells like the fish market.” “Well, she’s too ugly for him to date…$10 says he sleeps with her anyway.” “I wouldn’t call her fat, but he’s gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of this.” “Oh shit…somebody call 911.” “She’s just an expensive escort.

: I’m not very attractive I’m cute I’m cute enough for you, assface I’m hot If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed fat girls, you’ll LOVE me I’m a butter face I’m a Chicago girl (it means you have a hot face and a fat ass…and don’t email me pissed about this. : I can read enough to answer this I’m average I’m smart enough to get your stupid jokes I’m a fucking genius I can bend things with my mind I’m dumber than week-old bat shit Who are you to question the intelligence of anyone else? I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! : I’m about average I’m pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone I’m very emotionally stable I am a rock I’m loonier than a shit-house rat I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out The doctor says he can’t increase my prescriptions anymore or he’d get in trouble Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. I wonder how much money she cost him.” “She’s just a cheap hooker.

Special book excerpts or customized printings can also be created to fit specific needs. Nils Parker (aka Drunkasaurusrex)-I would call him the Robin to my Batman, but that underestimates the importance that his contributions make. Donika Miller-It's hard to describe why Donika has been so important to my development as a writer. I haven't ordered another drink since I blew a .04. This memory quickly fades when two hot girls at the table next to me inquire about my portable breathalyzer. She begins telling me a story about how she got pulled over once for DUI, and had to blow into something like this, and the cop let her off. Hot girl #2 is apparently smart enough to detect thinly veiled sarcasm. : The people at my table begin talking about energy healing. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room and flipped the cushion. Blowjob Betty Those incidents were from back when I was young and cared about Things like feelings and emotions.

For details, write or phone the office of the Kensington special sales manager: Kensington Publishing Corp., 850 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10022, attn: Special Sales Department; phone 1-800-221-2647. She is someone who really gets it, but isn't seduced by my bullshit. She tells me that she always wanted to be a cop, but couldn't pass the entrance exam to the police academy, even though she took it twice. : The novelty of the portable breathalyzer has passed. Everyone is mesmerized by a girl who took a class in it. As I grew older and my soul became jaded, I realized that I could be an asshole and get away with it, so I became more risky with my blowjob activities.

In a very real way, these guys helped mold the person I am today. One guy calls it a "legitimate, certifiable science," while making air quotes with his fingers. : I have completely tuned out their inane conversation. I let the women pick the shots, with the explicit instruction that it cannot be whiskey, cannot smell like whiskey, cannot even resemble whiskey (I once went to the ER drinking whiskey, but I don't tell them this). She was hitting the crescendo of her well-conducted Symphony of knob-slobbing, but right before I felt myself let loose into Her mouth, the door to her house opened.